9/29/2012 - Owes me a Shirt

On time I saw Shaq at a basketball game. He tossed me his jersey. The problem is I was eating nachos. The jersey knocked the nachos into my shirt ruining it. I jokingly wrote him a letter explaining to him that he ruined my shirt, and he owes me a new one. Within a week, I received a new Polo. In hindsight, I shoulda had him replace the nachos.

9/27/2012 - China

Thank you, China. But when you take us over, please let us keep cheeseburgers!

9/24/2012 - Cannibals

I could never be a cannibal. McDonalds doesn't serve human.

9/22/2012 - Giada

The first time I saw Giada at home I was shocked to see porn on daytime cable.

9/21/2012 - To Bread I Said!

Cereal grains were among the first plants to be successfully farmed in large quantities. Cereal, in large part, is what allowed for the spread and growth of the great civilizations on Earth. When explorers visited far off places of the globe such as the Isle of New Guinea., they're possessions we're treated with high regard. Natives would adorn their bodies with food containers including cereal boxes which they'd wear similar to the way we wear hats.
Grains have done all this, but we still haven't invented a premade toast! Seriously, scientists?!!?

9/20/2012 - Tuesdays

Some Tuesday mornings, I enjoy a chocolate bagel. If you find yourself eating one on a Tuesday morning, think of me. I'll be thinking about my chocolate bagel.

9/18/2012 - Caution

Some people prefer a cup of coffee and a cigarette. For my money though, there is no better laxative than a McDonalds hash brown and smooth jazz.

9/14/2012 - Fritos

Do you think if Fritos could talk they'd complain about how hot chili is?
Yeah, I wouldn't care either...

9/11/2012 - Donner Party

Nope. Not gonna go there.

9/10/2012 - Toast

If I could buy premade toast, I would.

9/9/2012 - Cleanse your Palate

When starting an NFL Sunday, or any day, with a variety of doughnuts, it is important to cleanse your palate with cheeseballs before enjoying your dinner of chicken wings.  Also, if your heart starts racing, you prolly should stop drinking Dr. Pepper.

9/7/2012 - Diet 2

Psych...bwahahahaha

9/6/2012 - Diet

I am currently on a diet.  I hope that this will improve my health and general well being.

9/5/2012 - Bleaching Agents

When my dogs ask to chew on my paper towels, my concerns are twofold. First of all, I fear that the bleaching agents used to make the paper towels white are harmful to my dogs. Secondly, how the hell are my dogs speaking!?!?!

9/4/2012 - OJ

Orange juice is made of oranges.  Grape juice is made from grapes.  Apple juice is made from apples.  I wish everything was named this clearly.  I'm looking at you pot roast.

9/3/2012 - Dinah

If someone's in the kitchen with Dinah, they need to stop playing the banjo, and let that woman cook!  Seriously!  Idiot!  I mean she's making food, and you're distracting her.  What, do you wanna cook it yourself?  I didn't think so.  So leave her alone!

9/2/2012 - Michelle Obama

Michelle Obama is to food what Kurt Coban was to rock and roll.  They took something that was awesome, and made it as depressing as possible.