12/12/2012 - Artichoke.

Artichoke...what sort of violent, right-brained thinker came up with that name.

11/17/2012 - Boots Win

Green beans and boots can be very long. Boots can prolly be longer.

11/5/2012 - Frost bite

If your corn dogs have been bitten by frost, dip it in even more mustard than you usually do.

10/31/2012-Halloween Candy

Double meaning.
To fly in zero visibility
Something that ruins something else

Mmmm. Candy corn

10/28/2012 - Juicing

When juicing, do not add onions...do not add lemons!  And no!  They do not cancel each other out to make a delicious cocktail!  If you do produce such a batch I suggest using a funnel and straw as a feeding tube.

10/25/2012 - Orange Kool-Aid

When making orange Kool-Aid, it is VITALLY important to READ the directions!

10/7/2012 - End of Summer

With the end of summer drawing near, many are storing their grills for the winter. Cleaning and storing the grill properly are vital. If you're like me, this will be simple because you haven't used your grill at all this summer. Done.

10/6/2012 - Orange Kool-Aid

Sometimes I wonder why I've never had orange kool-aid. Does it exist? Maybe they made it, but that giant pitcher brought it with him when he went fishing fishing for king crab like on Deadliest Catch. Maybe he kept crashing through walls on the boat. Maybe the boat sank because he was so destructive. Maybe orange Kool-Aid is lost forever beneath the Bering Sea. Or is it? Maybe time traveling pre-native Americans will discover it as they cross the Bering Strait? Maybe. Good luck early Eskimos!

10/5/2012 - Nitrates

I'm not sure what nitrates are, but I'm fairly certain they are delicious.

10/4/12 - Best Post Yet

I had a really good one...I forgot it.

10/1/2012 - Chimes

Sometimes when I'm at the Chimes, I think about the time Rebecca broke up with me. Those were some damn good cheese fries.

9/29/2012 - Owes me a Shirt

On time I saw Shaq at a basketball game. He tossed me his jersey. The problem is I was eating nachos. The jersey knocked the nachos into my shirt ruining it. I jokingly wrote him a letter explaining to him that he ruined my shirt, and he owes me a new one. Within a week, I received a new Polo. In hindsight, I shoulda had him replace the nachos.

9/27/2012 - China

Thank you, China. But when you take us over, please let us keep cheeseburgers!

9/24/2012 - Cannibals

I could never be a cannibal. McDonalds doesn't serve human.

9/22/2012 - Giada

The first time I saw Giada at home I was shocked to see porn on daytime cable.

9/21/2012 - To Bread I Said!

Cereal grains were among the first plants to be successfully farmed in large quantities. Cereal, in large part, is what allowed for the spread and growth of the great civilizations on Earth. When explorers visited far off places of the globe such as the Isle of New Guinea., they're possessions we're treated with high regard. Natives would adorn their bodies with food containers including cereal boxes which they'd wear similar to the way we wear hats.
Grains have done all this, but we still haven't invented a premade toast! Seriously, scientists?!!?

9/20/2012 - Tuesdays

Some Tuesday mornings, I enjoy a chocolate bagel. If you find yourself eating one on a Tuesday morning, think of me. I'll be thinking about my chocolate bagel.

9/18/2012 - Caution

Some people prefer a cup of coffee and a cigarette. For my money though, there is no better laxative than a McDonalds hash brown and smooth jazz.

9/14/2012 - Fritos

Do you think if Fritos could talk they'd complain about how hot chili is?
Yeah, I wouldn't care either...

9/11/2012 - Donner Party

Nope. Not gonna go there.

9/10/2012 - Toast

If I could buy premade toast, I would.

9/9/2012 - Cleanse your Palate

When starting an NFL Sunday, or any day, with a variety of doughnuts, it is important to cleanse your palate with cheeseballs before enjoying your dinner of chicken wings.  Also, if your heart starts racing, you prolly should stop drinking Dr. Pepper.

9/7/2012 - Diet 2

Psych...bwahahahaha

9/6/2012 - Diet

I am currently on a diet.  I hope that this will improve my health and general well being.

9/5/2012 - Bleaching Agents

When my dogs ask to chew on my paper towels, my concerns are twofold. First of all, I fear that the bleaching agents used to make the paper towels white are harmful to my dogs. Secondly, how the hell are my dogs speaking!?!?!

9/4/2012 - OJ

Orange juice is made of oranges.  Grape juice is made from grapes.  Apple juice is made from apples.  I wish everything was named this clearly.  I'm looking at you pot roast.

9/3/2012 - Dinah

If someone's in the kitchen with Dinah, they need to stop playing the banjo, and let that woman cook!  Seriously!  Idiot!  I mean she's making food, and you're distracting her.  What, do you wanna cook it yourself?  I didn't think so.  So leave her alone!

9/2/2012 - Michelle Obama

Michelle Obama is to food what Kurt Coban was to rock and roll.  They took something that was awesome, and made it as depressing as possible.

9/1/2012 - Tailgating

Tailgating means other people will cook for you.

8/31/2012 - Julius Caesar Salad

Prepackaged Caesar Salad in a bowl.
March 10: Bowl put in sink.
Beware the Ides of March
Day five: odor becomes stronger oppressing others in the kitchen.
Bowl finally washed with water, Dawn, and nearby paper towels.
Et tu, Brawne?
Days later odor rises from the sink,
Cry 'havoc', and let slip the dogs of war!
Bleach it. Scrub it. Vinegar!
I had rather have such cleansers my friends than enemies.

8/30/2012 - Two in One

My good friend Casey shared some advice from her young son.  If you put the detergent in the food while you're cooking, it cleans your pots and cooks your food simultaneously.  At the risk of losing readers, this proves beyond doubt that children know far more about cooking than I do.  If Casey's son decides to write his own blog, I will simply start posting a link to his blog.  Until then you are stuck with me.

8/29/2012 - Asparagus

I just peed...not worth it!

8/28/2012 - Ice

All week Ive been worried about buying ice for the hurricane...then I remembered I could make it. (See earlier post). I'm now paralyzed by the daunting task that lies before me!

8/27/2012 - Hurricane Prep.

Hurricanes in Baton Rouge often knock down power lines leaving residents without electricity. Many people take this opportunity to grill their frozen meats. With most restaurants closed and no electricity for my microwave, I often take the opportunity to partake in a cleansing fast.

8/26/2012 - Poultry

My favorite poultry is cornered game hen. It is hunted by trapping it on two sides by walls and a third by the hunter. Hence, cornered game hen. Needless to say, Patrick Swayze was not a fan.

8/25/2012 - CPK

Not all California Pizza Kitchens are in California.

8/22/2012 - Protein Goop

I watched the Matrix the other day. They ate a protein, vitamin goop. I hope I'm dead by then.

8/21/2012 - Gumbo

Gumbo is what I say when my friend, Bo, asks what I'm chewing.

8/20/2012 - Butter

Sometimes I can't find butter to make the mac and cheese I wanted....https://order.dominos.com/en/pages/order/#/locations/search/

8/19/2012 - Late Night Snacks

Late night snacks are delicious any time of day...

8/18/2012 - Ice Cubes

A friend showed me this link.  Since I have found it incredibly useful in keeping drinks cold!  Thanks, Toni!
http://www.food.com/recipe/ice-cubes-420398

8/17/2012 - French Toast

French Toast made in America is still called French Toast.

8/16/2012 - Spaceships

If spaceships exist, I hope they come with an easier way to make food.

8/15/2012 Sink

I get that sinking feeling when I have to wash dishes by hand.

8/14/2012 - Bacon

Don't cook bacon naked.

8/9/2012 - Clothing

Sometimes I considering quitting my cooking blog, and starting a clothing line.  I'd call it Azer by Jon.

8/8/2012 - Cooking with Chewbacca

Cooking with C Monster is fun. Eating with her is is weird because she eats from a bowl on the floor.

8/7/2012 - In a Pinch

In a pinch...you might find salt, pepper or other spices.

7/9/2012 - The Bowl

Lick the bowl clean.

7/2/2012 - Microwave Buttons

When pressing microwave buttons be sure to apply pressure in a direct and forward motion.  Approaching at an angle can cause undo strain on your fingers.  When cooking with a finger injury, I suggest using a second finger to brace the button presser.

6/30/2012 - PB&Js

Beans make you fart. Asparagus makes your pee stink.  Stick to PB&Js.

6/29/2012 - Thyme

Thyme waits for no man.  Cook it now!

6/24/2012 - Valentine's Day Candies

Snorting crushed up Valentine's Day hearts is a bad idea.  Smarties are bad, too.

6-23-2012 - Corn Dogs

To add variety make corn dogs in lieu of hot dogs from time to time.

6/22/2012 - Dogs

Having a dog is a great way to clean up spills.  If your dog will not eat particular items that you drop, such as ice cube, get a second dog.   Dogs can be finicky about what garbage they will and will not eat off the floor.

6/21/2012 - Ramen Noodles

If you eat Ramen noodles uncooked, you don't have to cook them.

6/20/2012 - Pop Tart

When toasting a Pop Tart, if it is too hot following the toasting, allow it to cool before eating.

6/19/2012 - Onion Stink

If your hands become infected with the stink of onions, cut them off before it spreads.  There is no cure.

6/18/2012 - Cereal

When making cereal, adding cut-up fruit, though a time consuming and arduous task, is often worth it.

6/17/2012 Boiling Water

Despite what you might have heard, keeping a wooden spoon in boiling water does not keep it from boiling over.  My advice is not to do anything that requires that much work.

6/16/2012 - Hosting

When hosting, ask your guests to eat before arriving.  Picking something up on the way is also acceptable.

6/15/2012

Already-thawed hot dogs do not take long to cook in the microwave.